7:53 PM

Last pick

I was never an athletic kid, I hated all sports with balls, and there was also a large period of my childhood and teen years that I was the nerd - to be avoided at all costs. So I have some idea what it feels like to be the last one standing in the baseball field when the team captains have chosen their teams, and again, I alone stand there until the teacher informs the Capitan with the smaller team that they will have to take me on. I used to just wish that I was second last, for that small comfort of being not the very last, and the most unwanted.
Maybe that is why I am so sensitive to the reasons, and the language that other adoptive parents use when they are trying to conceive and waiting to adopt. I just wish there were more adoptive parents like me.
I wish that for selfish reasons, because I wish there was a place where my family choices fit in, I wish we belonged to a group and that we could be seen as normal. But alas, as with so many things in my life, I am always on the fringes of normal, and never quite accepted into the group. Adoption was my first choice. I never had a desire to procreate. I longed and waited until I met all the criteria to be an adoptive parent, longed for the day that I could submit my paperwork. But as the fates would have it, turns out that I was uber-fertile, putting a temporary and unexpected halt to my adoption journey. This is where my adoption story veers off in a completely different direction then most parents. In the typical story the infertile parents exhausted with trying to conceive finally relent and apply to adopt and some magical home-study elixir causes them to miraculously become pregnant with their most wanted and wished for biological child.
From where I stand all I can see is the adoptive child's point of view, that they were the lesser choice, the last pick. I know, I know, here I am Fertle Mertle on my high horse looking down on other families, but I just wish, that for the children's sake that there were more parents like me, more parents who's first choice is adoption.

When this blog entry came up on a website I often frequent. "In my mind adoption represents the last resort, an admission that my body has failed me, and the end of the dream of having a biological child of our own…which is precisely why I haven’t written about it yet. Call me crazy (or selfish) but I’m still clinging to hope.", she writes in defence of why she has chosen not to consider adoption for building her family. I was shocked that no one told this woman what was so obvious to me, and what I hoped would bring her some comfort with her choices. My reply was this: "No child wants to be adopted by parents who think of them as a last resort and a symbol of your failure to fulfil your own dream of having bio children. Your instinct is right. You, in my opinion, do not have what it take to be an adoptive mother at this time."

To see the full blog and the comments click here:
http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/to_adopt_or_not__a_selfish_decision#comments

Plenty of people told her that adoption was great, so why not just try because they knew so and so who got pregnant when they tried adoption. Others told her to hold on to her dream. I alone questioned her ability to parent. What I didn't say is that I also feel that someone who is not ready to parent a child who is not biologically theirs may not be really ready to parent at all. If you can not open your heart and your life to parenting a child who will bring challenges and uncertainties and fears then you are still romanticizing parenthood and believe that a slim thing like biology will give you the strength to get through this jungle. I can tell you right now that biology does not guarantee unconditional love and an instant bond so you can just toss that fairy tale out the window along with your frog prince. Parenting is about the child. It is about raising and teaching a child how to be an amazing human, and biology has zippo to do with that.
How a child arrives in your family is just a small fraction of your life as their parent. But I am not here to convince any one that adoption is what is right for them, because if you have a hunch that it is not, then so be it. Hopefully every child ends up with parents who really understand parenting, and just wanted a child, unconditionally.